"TORTURE FOR MY SINS"
8.12.2011
I can’t explain how I felt at this show. I wasn’t expecting to be affected by it in the way that I was. I knew that the last show on Dec 9th would be emotional but I wasn’t expecting to be hit by everything the way I was tonight. I was emotion so if that’s going to bother you, I’d probably hit that back button right about now!
We turned up half an hour earlier than our STRICTLY-DO-NOT-ARRIVE-EARLY time and what do you know, there were already a tonne of people lined up. I have learnt my lesson, do not listen to rules cus you just get screwed! LOL. We got in line and were supposed to wait about half an hour but ended up stuck outside for probably 2 hours. The temperature that night was FREEZING cold, and it wasn’t just me saying so, even the locals were saying it was cold. I stupidly had rocked up in jeans a shirt and a jacket. “God girl, didn’t you bring anything warmer?!” one of the NYC Echelon girls asked me, herself rugged up in gloves, a scarf and a heavy jacket. I managed to stand in a puddle to make things worse so now also had a wet foot/shoe/sock. *sigh*. The things I do for MARS. I was bent down, trying to use the people around me as a shield but I was freezing. I was actually shaking ridiculously and starting to wonder how much longer I could physically stand there for.
Eventually we made it in and I had a front row seat, but of course because we hadn’t arrived way before the line-up time, I ended up 4 people in. I still had a good view but was a little disappointed I didn’t get an even better spot.
The church was full of tea light candles and a beautiful blanket of incense filled the room, however it was turned off due to someone having a bit of a reaction to it. It was absolutely freezing in the Church and when Shannon tweeted from backstage, half a dozen people replied to him saying to turn up the heat! Lol. He didn’t.
For the most part of the show I was just in awe of everything, despite being distracted by how utterly freezing it was. I was chilled to my bones. The songs that the guys played were amazing, spontaneous and performed in a way that was out of this world. Jared started a hilarious skit that he kept going back to, his quick thinking really taking me by surprise. It was like he was reading a script even though it was all coming off the top of his head. I laughed and tapped on my leg as Tomo and Shannon added in some comical country bumpkin music, Shannon even yelling out add in’s for the story from behind his drumkit. The show was hilarious, touching and mesmerizing all at once; a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me personally - the only way I can describe it.
Jared opened the show with Hurricane, his voice cutting through the dead silence of the room. I sat there in awe, not wanting to join in just completely lost in what was happening in front of me. I’m pretty sure that was everyone’s reaction because you could have heard a pin drop. As he finished the song he asked why we were all so quiet, breaking the ice a little as everyone laughed.
The guys said they didn’t have a setlist, though I’m sure they did, and asked for requests. Having no voice after last night’s show, I tried to yell ‘Echelon’ and ‘Revenge’ but nothing was coming out so I gave up and just hoped someone else would have the same thought. It seems everyone did with ‘Echelon’ being the one song name I heard yelled over and over.
The Story was up next, followed by Was It A Dream? It was great to hear some of the softer songs in this setting. Up next Jared said he was going to play us something new. He said the song was called “The Rescue”. Obviously nobody knew it, but it sounded familiar. It could have been a song from This Is War, somehow reminding me a little of Revenge. I remember sitting in the pew upright, my eyes darting between the three boys and I took in the words as I heard them and listened to the song developing. I loved it.
From Yesterday was up next... Jared amusing everyone as he sang the second verse “On a mountain he sits not of gold but of Shhhhhhh” he sang, most of the crowd not thinking and actually saying ‘shit’. Jared grinned and let out a little laugh as he continued on while we all laughed at ourselves realizing we’d just sworn in church.
He joked later that a Guinness World Record person was about to pop up and hand him an award. “To Jared Leto for not swearing for an entire show.” He quipped, everyone laughing at his joke.
Alibi was next followed by A Modern Myth and then another new song, which I’ve been told sounds in a way similar to the American Anthem. Once again asking for requests, I didn’t bother yelling and while I heard ‘Echelon’ being called out again, I didn’t hear anyone requesting Revenge. My mind flashed back to Hong Kong (for those of you who have read my HK MARSdiary you will know what I’m referring to) and the memories of how much the song affected me swirled in my mind.
As I sat there and Jared played with chords I heard a note that instantly made my heart leap. I remember leaning over to Kit and saying “That was Revenge” with wide eyes. As I turned my head back to the band, Jared started singing and my eyes instantly welled up at the realization Revenge was being played. I remember sitting there in the front row, completely exposed with nowhere to hide and trying to hold myself together. A few tears escaped my eyes but I quickly wiped them away and enjoyed the song. I think Tomo may have spotted me at one point wiping a tear but I wasn’t concerned.
The second-to-last song was the epic Closer To The Edge. My eyes were still watery but I sang along and I fist-pumped the air along with the crowd, but with a different emotion in my heart. With the song over, I knew Kings and Queens would be up next and I was a little worried. My heart was heavy and Kit looked over to me and said “Are you Ok?” I nodded but feared this song would push me over the edge.
As the first chorus rose, I looked up, desperately trying to stop myself from crying but it didn’t work. The tears started streaming down my face as I sat there and I tried to sing along but I was sobbing, just trying to stay quiet. I tried desperately to keep it together but nothing was working. I could feel my lip trembling as I tried to sing along with everyone else. Back to the verse and I quickly wiped my eyes, now feeling vulnerable and completely exposed. I was shivering as I cried as Jared sang “In Defence of our dreams”; the line that I sum up my year and my new-found self because of MARS with. It hit me like a tonne of bricks and the tears came flooding back. Kit reached over to me and rubbed my arm, obviously seeing how upset I was. I remember telling myself to stop, that I would look silly if any of the guys saw me in this state. I felt embarrassed.
As the song came into the slower part I took a few deep breaths and managed to pull myself together a little but as the final chorus rose up from Jared’s voice it became too much and I started crying uncontrollably. I always well up at this point of the song, but today I was shaking, sobbing and had tears streaming down my face. As I looked forward, I noticed Tomo staring at me and I felt like an idiot so sat forward, burying my face into my hands. Katie tells me that both Jared and Shannon looked over while I was hunched over sobbing into my hands. I wanted to crawl into a hole at that point, feeling stupid that I was so affected. I wiped my eyes and looked back up, straight to Tomo who was looking at me again and I quickly averted my eyes, trying to sing along with everyone else at the end of the song. I hate to think how I must have looked, my mascara was stinging my eyes and they were burning from all the tears. I stood up at the end of the song and clapped, with everyone else, now breathing and trying to calm myself down.
I can't explain why I was crying. I was sad, but I was also happy. I guess I was just thinking about everything that had happened that year and got a little overwhelmed.
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Now poised for the meet and greet, the guys said Goodbye to the GA crowd “We love you all the same, but get out.” They joked. The boys disappeared backstage and I sat back down, put my head in my hands and cried it all out, now not freaking out about them seeing me. Kit sat there and rubbed my back as I sobbed, a few other people around telling me it was ok and just to let it go. As I finally sat back up, Kit looked at me and said something like “Oh honey…” and pulled out her mirror and told me to fix my face up. As I looked in the mirror I saw two big puffy red eyes staring back, the makeup all smeared off of them and marking my cheeks and the sides of my eyes. “I do not want to look like this when they come around!” I thought. I quickly wiped off all the black and re-did my mascara and eyeliner quickly, though my eyes still looked red and puffy, it was the best I could do. The guys were already out on the stage ready to start as I stuffed my things back into my bag.
Jared stepped down to our pew immediately and I quickly scurried to get my things together as he was instantly 3 people away from being in front of me. He must have moved along quickly because suddenly he was there and I wasn’t even prepared. “Hi” I said, still trying to organize things, and feeling a little embarrassed that he might have seen me balling. I had bought little digital keyrings for each of the guys and loaded a bunch of my art onto them, most of which nobody has or will ever see. Jared had the red one so I quickly picked it up and gave it to him. I remember being a little scared to look at him. He looked at it and said Thankyou but I quickly realized that in my panic I hadn’t even turned it on. “OH, I didn’t turn it on!” I said out loud... reaching out to take it back. He opened his hand flat and held it in front of me so I could pick it up. Something random I remember is how warm his hand was as my fingertips grazed over his palm… my fingers were like icicles, yet his hands, soft and warm like they’d been somewhere toasty, though I knew they hadn’t. Jared actually yelled over to someone on the side of the church as I was fiddling trying to get the keyring on. I don’t know why but I couldn’t figure it out in my panic. I ended up giving it back to him and apologizing for not having it ready. “It’s Ok.” He said.
I had my #4 Triad (which is going to be auctioned off for Charity) to be signed tonight so pulled it out. “I know you’ve signed one of these for me before, but this one is being auctioned off for charity” I said as I gave it to him to sign. He talked to me about it briefly, but I can’t remember what he said. He took his time to sign it neatly and I watched as he moved his pen and wrote something else on the bottom. He handed it back to me and said ‘There you go.’ before moving along. As I took the Triad back I saw he’d written ‘2011’ across the bottom. I loved how it made it even more special.
As Jared left me/us, I looked over at Kit and told her I couldn’t get Jared’s keyring turned on. I was disappointed because I thought he would probably never look at it and just one image flicking in front of his eyes may have been enough to interest him enough to look later. She reached over and turned on Tomo and Shannon’s keyrings for me, obviously I just couldn’t work it out in my panicked state.
Tomo arrived next and I handed him his keyring. To be honest, I don’t remember what we talked about or anything, it’s the first time I don’t remember Tomo, usually I am so overjoyed when he’s in front of me and it just feels fun but I don’t remember it at all. I remember handing him the Triad and telling him it was being auctioned for charity. He signed it and I said “Could you write MARS300” on it? He looked at me and asked “What do you want me to write?” I’m guessing my accent confused him a little, lol. He said “I have terrible writing” as he got the Triad ready to write on it. “I’m sure you don’t” I replied back. He wrote it on there and handed it back to me. I thanked him and he moved on.
Shannon was the last to me, arriving a while after the others. I handed him his keyring, which I deliberately gave to him because it was the same blue as his phone case. “This is for you.” I said, already reaching down for the Triad. Katie has filled in this little bit for me. She tells me that he looked at the keyring and saw a picture slide across and went “Oh” surprised at the moving art on there then looked up and then back down at it again. I gave him the Triad and again told him it was for charity. “Feel free to write something or draw a smiley face on it or something.” I said with a grin. He looked at me then moved his pen over it again. He smiled as he handed it back and said Goodbye. He’d drawn a smiley face on the bottom left and now completed with the three signatures and three other markings, it looked perfect.
Now with everyone done, I grabbed out my mascara and eyeliner again to try and fix myself up properly. Shannon walked by and made a comment and I peered up from my mirror, eyeliner pencil a centimetre from my eye and said “Don’t worry, you can go home now” I said and he grinned at me. As I realized what I’d said I corrected myself. “Oh, well after the photos…” I said. He had slowed as he was passing, hearing me speak and grinned at me as I said it (probably laughing at the fact I was poised in front of the mirror!) then headed to the back ready for the photos. ‘God you’re an idiot’ I remember thinking to myself.
We lined up down the aisle and got ready for the photos. Katie and I were doing our photo together again today so we waited together until we were called up. I went and stood right in front of Shannon with the Charity Triad in my hand and asked him if he minded holding it. He said “Sure” and I slid in between him and Tomo and hugged Tomo. I don’t honestly remember that photo being taken… my mind was a million miles away. We then swapped positions and I walked around behind Shannon over to Jared and without even knowing I was doing it, hugged him. I hadn’t planned on it, nor had I actually realized that I was doing it until it was done, I just did it without thinking. I started feeling emotional as I was standing there, honestly, I would have gladly buried my face into his jumper so you couldn’t even see me in the photo at that point, but I turned my face and rested the side of my head on his collarbone and looked forward. Without thinking I quietly said to him “You made me cry” as I felt my eyes welling up yet again. He put his head down on mine and whispered “I’m Sorry” softly. The flash went off and as it did he reached his arm around me, putting his hand up on my shoulder and rubbed/squeezed it in a comforting sort of way. I stood there for a second with my eyes shut not wanting to go, but I knew I had to, so I let go. I almost walked off without the Triad, pretty much forgetting that there was even anyone else in the building. I snapped out of it and turned back to Shannon saying ‘Thankyou’ as he handed it back to me. I hate to think what they must have thought, my puffy red eyes, glassy from almost crying again next to Jared.
I thanked them and took my bags from the girls and headed outside with Kit who was already waiting for me off to the side. I got outside and got a bit teary, telling her that I hadn’t remembered anything that had just happened apart from what I’d said to Jared. The funny thing is that now, of every Meet & Greet I’ve done, of every moment I have had with MARS… that is the one little moment that I remember as clearly as if it were yesterday. I always have a hard time remembering things but this particular moment with Jared is crystal clear in my memory.
The way I have since described it is like my mind temporarily erased everything I’ve ever known, let that moment happen on a clean slate, then after, dumped all of the other information back into my brain. I don’t know how else to explain it and I know people will have negative things to say about what I’ve just written, but I’m ok with that. At the time I was embarrassed and almost angry with myself for getting so emotional but now I look back at it, I was just experiencing a sudden downpour of everything that has changed in my life because of MARS and got overwhelmed and I’m not going to apologize for that.
With the Meet and Greet over, we waited out the front, even though I was freezing cold in my single-layer of clothing hoping that we’d get to see the guys when they left. After about 15 minutes Shannon wandered out and started chatting to us. He stayed for ages talking with those of us who had hung around. Tomo and Vicki also came by and said Goodnight as they jumped into a cab. Shannon however said he was going to find Starbucks and started wandering off down the street by himself. When Shannon started to leave, we actually crossed the street to walk home and he ended up coming the same way as us, but on the opposite side of the road. It was surreal seeing him just wandering along by himself, but we let him be.
We got back to the apartment, got into warmer clothes and headed to Times Square to meet up with other Echelon for dinner. It was then home and into bed ready for tomorrow; sadly, the day of the last MARS show.